I dread walking over to the hospital.
It happens every time, I get up to the gate and begin to open it, I step onto hospital grounds and my heart starts beating faster. I am suddenly very conscious of my clothes, hair, skin and I want to run away.
I begin to walk past the buildings and everyone stares. This is no exaggeration, here, staring is perfectly normal. All heads swivel in my direction and hawk my every move. Children stop what they are doing to stare, women stare with a strange mix of resentment and uncertainty on their faces. It is only when I greet them that I see their smiles. Occasionally I am ignored.
The men stare, I try not to meet their eyes.
I reach the counter to purchase something to drink and wonder to myself, why the women at the registers are kind to me and no one else. People standing next to me stare as I pull money from my purse and push to get ahead of me in line. One time a man got angry at me for socializing with the employees while he was waiting to be served.
I have been told, when I am in need of a prescription for Motrin, malaria prophylaxis etc, that it is perfectly acceptable to walk past the line of sick who are waiting their turn and knock on the examiner's door. He then lets me in ahead of everyone, and helps me within minutes. This goes against my cultural training. I have been taught to wait patiently, but this is how things are done. I know that I receive this preferential treatment because I am an employee of the hospital, but I also know that the Africans waiting in line think otherwise.
When my African friends ask me for my clothing, or the specifics on how much I pay for rent, or send me veiled messages that they want me to help them financially, I am struck by the differences between us, and realize that my definition of “friendship” must stretch and change to fit this culture.
I want to love these people, to be a part of their lives, to hug their children and comfort them when they mourn. I want them to understand who I am, but the wall of culture and race seems impenetrable.
5 comments:
Sarah with time comes change. I can relate somewhat to how you are feeling. When I started school at CMU I went through a moment of culture shock. I did not know anyone. My roommates and their parents made me aware that they did not want their daughters living with me because of the color of my skin. So I understand your discomfort. I think you should understand that some Africans are really aggressive; to maintain sanity you have to be submissive and subjective to make peace. Understand also that you have embarked on a culture that lacks unity, fails to help one another reach a successful status. We are an envious culture. I believe this is due to years of suppression. We are a culture that enjoys attaining what seems to be impossible for a black person. We are more inclined to help one another if our struggles are the same and our successes will be equal. I know it is really sad. Not all of us are that way! Just too many of us are! So with that said, the tension you feel from the people is real, but it is shared within the culture. If you were black and worked as a Dr. you might or might not be respected. It would depend greatly upon what you could give or do for the community. This might be an Americanized view but I believe it is helpful to you. Hold your head up Sarah, you are there to help the people. If they are Christians they will see God in you and if they are not Christians they will run from you. God's protection is upon you. You do not have to be a1,000 miles away from home to be bothered by spirits. Trust, God is with You. I know. Yes, black people church is loooong. We love to share food, so if you don't eat, it can be taken the wrong way..An explanation goes a long way if you choose not to eat. Continue to help the people medically, they will come around especially if you appear not to be bothered by their stares. And most importantly do NOT look the men in their eyes. Short eye contact. Love You and God Bless! You and your family are in my Prayers
Katrenia
Just sending you a big hug, Sarah. Our Savior sees and understands everything you are going through.
In His Love,
Joan Behrens
Hang in there Sarah! We are still praying for you and the people you are around. It's a blessing to know you and in time I hope that others will also see who you are and who God has made you. In Him, Matthew
Sarah, Thank you for your continued honesty and willingness to share your emotional vulnerability. Because of this, in part, you will be pleased to know that America from the KCJ is hopefully being released on Monday (going back to Chicago to be with her familia/children) and she tells me she wants to be a missionary! And Omoefo also from KCJ (both women who have corresponded with you) wants to be a Doctor when she goes to and finishes college! Dora sends her prayers for you as well. Love from Deb/FMM/Kzoo
I truly admire all that you are doing. It takes a brave person to handle the stares. You know that you are there to do some good and so does God. They will discover that too when they get to know you.
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